Beach Advice

We have just finished Autumn School holidays (hallelujah brother) and because I am going for Mother of the Year I took my kids to the beach... more than once.
We love the beach, its close and I know where the good parking spots are (that the many tourists who come to the coast have no clue about) and any food purchased at the beach tastes better. My kids also behave themselves at the beach (and don't fight like the Irish which is what happens at home) and Bear even gasp shock horror looks after his sister in the surf. Also the sight of kids wearing themselves out in healthy pursuits like swimming, building sandcastles and boogie boarding for hours on end warms my cold cold heart.


Anyhoo because I cant but help being annoyed by others when I mingle with the rest of humanity I wish to give some unsolicited advice to other beach goers . This advice is free but stupid looks still cost $2 bucks.

• Unsolicited Advice No 1. If you can afford to dress your 18month old baby in a $69.99 bikini from Roxy/Billabong/Seed/Ripcurl (insert any trendy beach or childrens wear shop in here) than you can pony up for the matching surf shirt or rash vest. Seeing a toddlers sensitive skin burning with no UV protection isn't cute its child abuse. If you want your baby to have cute tan/skin cancer lines that's okay just DON'T SIT NEAR ME.








• Unsolicited Advice No 2. Don't let your child wander the beach nekkid. Even cashed up Bogans realise that children should be dressed (in inappropriate bathers). Do you read the papers or watch the news ? Disgusting Vile Peeps. The beach is as crowded as my local shops and I have never seen a 3 year old wandering around Target sans clothes... although the beach looks like paradise with its blue water and creamy sand it is not utopia... get some appropriate clothes on your offspring or DON'T SIT NEAR ME.


• Unsolicited Advice No 3. See those poles sticking up out of the sand with the red and yellow flags on them? They are not for decoration, in fact funnily enough they are there to save your life. Make your kids swim between the flags AND make your kids swim between the flags. How hard is it to follow the advice of the trained lifeguards who work on the beach everyday and can read the water conditions so well... going by some of the surf rescues I have seen just a little too hard for some stupid peeps. If you want to become the next beach statistic that is okay just DON'T SIT NEAR ME.



• Unsolicited Advice No 4. Invests in some swimwear. This goes out to all the parents (especially mothers). I have read that women in Oz fear shopping for bathers MORE than getting bitten by a shark. WHAT THE??? Target/Big W/Myer do a fantastic range of reasonable priced modest swimwear for all shapes and sizes... yeah unless you are Heidi, Lara or Elle shopping for bathers is a bit of a drag but wandering the beach and trying to swim in an old t shirt or singlet and shorts is ridiculous. Even if you only go to the beach a few times during the Summer having some nice bathers will make the trip much more pleasant I promise. Also Seafolly do a line of bathers using underwear material (like magic knickers ) especially for Mums who have post baby bods ... they are worth every cent. Also I rarely see children in shirts and shorts trying to swim. Parents are as worthy of children in the purchasing of bathers.(I'm not going to tell you in a shouty voice not to sit near me if you don't buy yourself some bathers ... but please do... aren't these lady and their bathers gorgeous).



• Unsolicited Advice No 5. Be nice to your partner. You are at the beach, the sun is shining the water is warm and the kids are happy as Larry ... give the poor bloke a break. We all get annoyed with our spouses from time to time but yelling and carrying on like a pork chop in a public area is very bad form. I really have no investment in your marriage and could care less if he left the hats/drinks/chips at home just DON'T SIT NEAR ME and berate him ad nausea.



• Unsolicited Advice No 6. Cover up the offensive tattoos. I love a good tat as much as the next girl... but I don't enjoy having my kids see your filthy skin art. Also your "Made in Oz" under the Southern Cross tat use to be patriotic - now its just racist. If you think your tats make clever use of pics of women's boobs and other anatomy ... good for you just JUST DON'T SIT NEAR ME without a shirt on.




• Unsolicited Advice No 7. There is a whole beach to sit on... If you are under 25 and look like this DON'T SIT NEAR TO ME.
  
  
• Unsolicited Advice No 8. If you decided not to take any of my above listed advice that is okay but DON'T SIT NEAR ME.