A tale of two husbands

Once upon a time there was two husbands...


a Good Husband who took his indoor chores very seriously and got all the pesky flat tennis balls, empty chocolate milk cartons, dust bunnies and muesli bar wrappers out from under the couch occasionally.

And then there was a Bad Husband who decided to empty the pool of a few litres of unwanted water... but forgot he was doing it and when the filter started to make funny noises at 7am the next morning realised he was really a few litres short.





So the Good Husband took his family to the beach to make amends for not having a pool they could actually swim in...and knowing that his wife had many rules about the beach he set about providing adequate shade shelter for them.


But then the Bad Husband surfaced and he is the one who refuses to wear any of the rash vest / sun protection shirts his wife buys him saying each and every time he hits the beach "oops forgot my rashy again"!

To redeem his sunburnt self the very Good Husband stays home with two cranky kids and only the prospect of spaghetti jaffles for tea so his wife can go to the movies * with her bestie....

Please note the smiley face on the Wife ... this is because she has NO IDEA just how HARROWING the next three hours are going to be as she sits with her head buried in her besties shoulder and her fingers jammed in her ears.
Then the very understanding but laughing at his wussy wife Good Husband meet his scared Wife at the driveway when she gets home from the freaking freak movies 'cos she will not get out of the car on her own.

The Good Husband is also fully aware of the restorative powers of the Manicure and Pedicure after a very bruising week in the looks maintenance department... yes I am still rabbitting on about the hair.

But unfortunately (for the Wife) the Bad Husband expect his Wife to weed gardens and plant flowers using those same pretty fingernails... Boo to that.

In the garden Good Husbands use their chainsaw powers for good... tidying up their property and chopping firewood... looking all Colby Donaldson whilst carrying out chainsaw goodness.

But oh no whats this ...Bad Husbands use their chainsaw powers for evil and bring down big trees that block drives ways and require Wives and Children to drag a lot of wood!

To redeem his naughty chainsaw ways the Good Husband understands the Wife's need to make ANZAC bikies on Anzac Day every year even though no one in the family really likes them that much and the link between honoring the fallen and eating oat bikies is tenuous at best.

After not eating all the Anzac Bikies the hungry Good Husband buys all the ingredients for Osso Bucco after becoming way too engrossed in this show.

But then the cooking challenged Bad Husband confesses to the wife that although he really wants to taste the Osso Bucco he has no desire to actually cook it so hurry up and make it already.

In the parenting realm the Bad Husband lets his children watch mildy inappropriate TV Shows that on air after their bedtime and may contain scenes of peeps drinking their own pee.

This in turn sees the educating Good Husband facilitating the same children spending 3 hours in the wilderness aka our driveway pretending to be Bear Grylls. Included in this activity is a broken arm rescue with twigs and the building of a tree fern shelter... fortunately no one had to drink their own pee. Bear G would be slighty disappointed.

Good Husbands teach their well organised children how to tie their school ties in such a manner that it only has to be assembled once a semester.

Bad Husband teach their lazy children how to tie their school ties in such a manner that it only has to be assembled once a semester.

So ends the tale of two husbands ... for today ... I have lots of fodder for future posts.

The END.

* The Girl With Dragon Tattoo.

I want this post to be irreverent and funny

But its not and I cried yesterday ... a lot. So what better way to move on and heal than have a big blog spew about my crapptastic afternoon.



Warning : This post is entirely about my hair... so if you thought that I wasn't vain and self indulgent ... this post will totally dispel those myths for you.



The background to this starts about 2 months ago when I had possibly the worst hair cut and colour from a hairdresser I know through work... It was time to seek out another hairdresser in my constant search for the perfect hairstyle/cut/colour you know the one that is going to make my life perfect. I have been on this particular quest since 1987. There is a teacher at Lulus school who has great hair at the moment and we both agree that its due to her current hairdresser... So I thinks to myself "Im gunna get me some of that".

I wont bore you with details (oops it appears that is exactly what I am doing) but the salon where the stylist works is so uber cool and edgy ... they don't advertise... as in good luck finding them in those tacky yellow pages or that consumerism gone made Internet... they don't even have a proper sign on the door so if you cough drive past/scope out cough manage to spot the salon ... still no phone no. Eventually I do track down the number and eventually after the 11th time I ring someone answers (I promise I'm not making this up). I get an appointment for yesterday afternoon (just a 4 week wait) Hallelujah Brother. I spent all of yesterday with a happy happy heart ...there is nothing I love more than a trip to the hairdresser where peeps fuss over me, care about finding the exact shade of beige that is going to make my brown eyes pop and improve my look all whilst I suck down as many extra hot skinny mochas as I like.

To illustrate just how happy I was about my trip to the salon at about lunch time Dave emailed me (yes from the office next door) and asked me "how it was going" I proceeded to list all the reasons I was sooo sooo happy about going to the hairdressers and what I planned to get done to my hair and knowing how much he likes me to detail all the stuff going on in my brain I may have included pictures of hairstyle's and colours I was thinking of trying out... turns out he meant "How was I going with the (Insert Clients Name Here) drawings" ... oops.



You just know that I was riding for a fall don't you ... I was just way too excited about this afternoon for it to deliver the goods.



So I get to the salon and its all art gallery chic with the polished concrete floors and minimalist furniture... I sit perched on the steel bench with the pretty young girl with full sleeve tattoos next to me and think I really need either more tattoos or a Mohawk to blend in here.

When my HD is ready we start talking about me... But first Kylie stops me mid sentence and says "OK hang on I'm just going to move your part (flips my hair over to the other side of my head) there that covers your cowlick better, now what were you saying?" Wow I hate it when my disgusting cowlick distracts peeps from talking to me.

So we talk and its great although she thinks for the hairstyle she is suggesting I may need to use more product and she also thinks I may be scared of it ... scared of it? I feel like telling Kylie I was a teenager in the 1980's (when she was probably in nappies) so what with the spiral perm and the teased fringe, product or liquid concrete or industrial lacquer were my best friends. I ain't scared of no product. Great we have decided on a style (it goes without saying that she trash talks my current style and most of my ideas but that is OK she knows her stuff and I completely trust her to sprinkle some hairdressing magic over my head).

Then Kylie turns from my spiritual hair leader to my arch Nemesis.



"you know you don't have a booking for the colourist today"



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



My regrowth is about 10cm long, I look like a skunk , I cant go another day without a colour... WHAT THE ......!



After much "dialoging" with the colourist ... its decided the computer has made a booking error and I should come back. As in come back another day... as in... I'm walking out of hair nirvana looking as shite as when I walked in. I am not too embarrassed to tell you blog friends that I nearly cried when Kylie was making the next appointment. She kept asking me what days (in two weeks time) were good for me... How about when the stars in the southern hemisphere align and I don't have the drama club car pool or when there isn't a rugby game I'm suppose to be burning sausages at or when a teacher doesn't need to meet with me about my child's incessant need to chat (wonder where the kid gets that from) ... how does that day suit you Kylie???



I slinked out the salon and called David... and bawled " Um they couldn't hic do my hic hair hic bawl bawl bawl" He says " Well we are only gardening and paving this weekend so just get it done next week" I bawl some more " My hair is sooo bad hic you don't hic wanna leave hic the house hic with meeeeeeee" knowing he is on a hiding to nothing with this conversation he tells me to come home .

There is more crying and carry on when I get in the car AND when I get home. At one point Lulu and I are sitting on her bed BOTH crying "about stupid Hairdressers" ... no I never claimed not to be an emotional spaz. Its around this time that Bear and David tell us to shut up or shut the bedroom door with "its only hair" being muttered under peeps breath.



As you can see 18 hours out from the trauma its all still quite raw .... so if you sitting there reading this thinking "Jeez I'm so glad I've got a good Hairdresser who is capable of both giving great hair AND taking a booking" keep your thoughts to yourself... this 37 year old horrible regrowth wearing, wrong side of the head hair part, offensive cow lick girl doesn't wanna hear it!

Maybe Kylie stuffed her booking up too.

Weekend at the Bay

So last Friday afternoon we took off to visit David's Dad and Joy up at the Bay for the weekend. When we got there Joy was on a conference call having a job interview for a position to run the Education System for a small county in the middle of the Pacific Ocean... yep that is my MIL super smart and up for any challenge. If Joy gets the position they will go overseas for two years... which we all find a bit sad as having them a bit closer (geographically) the last 6 months has been a blast. We did endlessly tease Dad all weekend about being one of the housewives on the island whilst Joy was at work :-)

Dad and Joy have also just bought a little sailing boat (like a Hobie Cat but called a Paper Tiger) and Dave and the kids and Dad took it out and worked out the small repairs Dave is going to do on it. Lulu hated sailing (takes after her mother) as it was "too fast and Dad went too far out". Bear love love loved it (takes after his father) and much fun was had by all.

On Sunday morning my Dad and Jan (who live not far from the Bay) came over for a visit and breaky.

Joy David and my Dad

Here I am looking out to see trying to find my husband and kids...maybe.

Dad and I discussing such things as the proper way to act at the beach.

No idea why I have such a stupid face...

It was great to see my Dad and Jan and I'm really really proud of my Dad as he has given up the lungers after smoking for most of his life. After losing my Mum when she was so young anything happening to my Dad would just make me look careless... so well done Dad and thanks for visiting on Sunday (this visit was the first time my Dad and Jan had met Phil and Joy so I'm even more amazed at my Dad's ability to get through a family situation without 65 hits of Nicotine) . You rock Dad.

A book review

A few years ago David and I took the kids to an island in the Whitsundays for our Christmas holidays. It was great... it rained a bit but what did we expect going to the tropics in Jan??? We sort of bonded with an English family who had kids the same age and did the same kid activities like mini golf, beach cricket and chuck tantrums (and because we were the only two family's on the island who neglected to bring their Nanny's with them ... oops I hate it when I leave my Nanny at home) .

Anyhoo this English family were great fun and we spent some really nice days together, the Dad worked in "futures" or some such thing on the London Stock Exchange and the Mum was a free lance writer, they were traveling along the East coast of Oz for 3 months whilst their house in Wimbledon was being renovated. When we got back to the coast it turned out that they were staying in an apartment up the road from us so we went and swam in their penthouse pool (which had possible the most stupid design I have ever seen... no sun protection at all ... you know how I am about sun protection). There is a reason I'm boring you to tears with this story... this family could be the family in Ben Elton's latest book.

Meltdown is about how the Global Financial Crisis has effected those who have made their fortunes on the overheated money markets of the UK and what happens when you have no giant income coming in to service your giant debts. Its also about a critique of class society in the UK (as are most of BE books). I really like Ben Elton books, in fact High Society is in my top 5 favourite books of all time. But Meltdown was a bit of a letdown! In fact it feels like Ben has just taken a bit of a gander at all his friends and the local news (the MP housing rorts is one of the main plots) and turned it onto a novel. The ending is so implausible ... I know its called fiction but come on. This book is okay for a very light read but I would rush to buy it.

The birds

This post is for Lulu.

For whatever reason last week everyday at dusk about 20 of these little birds would come and hang out in the tree by our stairs. It was fascinating. Then after a week they left. Lulu was especially enthralled and snapped about a million pics. So this is for her.

Friends

I'm so lucky to have them.

When I was pregnant with Bear I joined a community group for expecting parents. Its aim was childbirth education and it had a great library of parenting and birth books and you could go to classes that gave you some idea of what having a baby was going to be like (not really but before you have your first baby you think knowledge is power... after you have the baby you realise sleep and a meal you didn't have to cook is the real power). We also facilitated tours of the local hospital and birthing suites, I suspect this sort of thing doesn't go on anymore. When I had Lulu I became a little bit more involved and volunteered in the office sometimes or with the newsletter (Tam worked in the office and was the primary educator at that stage). When Lulu was about 1 our childbirth education organisation joined with the Home Birth Group... and I was out of there (no offence to homebirthers but I have one word WHY? ...ok that probably was a bit offensive).

The best thing about that time was meeting these two girls. Coincidentally we all have boys exactly the same age and then had girls at the same time.Tam went on to spoil the matchy matchy by having another child but we still like her. We live all over Oz now but last weekend Neit was visiting Tam and both popped over for the afternoon with all the kids. It was soooooo good to chat and laugh and even get a bit teary! These girls are true friends, the best kind a new mum can have... the honest non pretend kind and I'm really lucky to have them in my life... even if i don't see them very much.

This House

One of the really "good" things about having your husband rebuild your house is that you have lots of time to decide what will go where and what design suits your (financial, physical and emotional... yes I just said emotional) needs. I have a lot of needs.

This house deserves about 40 posts on its own because that would reflect how much it consumes my life. In a nutshell we have decided NOT to go with extending the top floor and building in the ground floor in order to add an en suite, master bedroom, new kitchen and bathroom. Sorry if I bored you ridgid with all the stupid details of those plans ( Hello Vyc). What we HAVE decided to do is extend the top floor to accommodate all our living needs (add the new en suite , kitchen and bathroom up here) and leave downstairs as an entertaining area / deck / pool table teenagers retreat (If I still like my teenagers then).
So now that we have a plan and by that I mean I have actually seen David drawing up the plans on his little laptop, I can finish off some areas that will not be affected the plan. Wow I just wrote plan a lot.


When I say "I can finish off some areas" I mean I can supervise David and get him to do the hard labour to turn ugly muddy areas that once were going to be new kitchens, bathrooms or laundry's into nice clean dry paved areas.

Ah my work here is done. Sorta.

Beach Advice

We have just finished Autumn School holidays (hallelujah brother) and because I am going for Mother of the Year I took my kids to the beach... more than once.
We love the beach, its close and I know where the good parking spots are (that the many tourists who come to the coast have no clue about) and any food purchased at the beach tastes better. My kids also behave themselves at the beach (and don't fight like the Irish which is what happens at home) and Bear even gasp shock horror looks after his sister in the surf. Also the sight of kids wearing themselves out in healthy pursuits like swimming, building sandcastles and boogie boarding for hours on end warms my cold cold heart.


Anyhoo because I cant but help being annoyed by others when I mingle with the rest of humanity I wish to give some unsolicited advice to other beach goers . This advice is free but stupid looks still cost $2 bucks.

• Unsolicited Advice No 1. If you can afford to dress your 18month old baby in a $69.99 bikini from Roxy/Billabong/Seed/Ripcurl (insert any trendy beach or childrens wear shop in here) than you can pony up for the matching surf shirt or rash vest. Seeing a toddlers sensitive skin burning with no UV protection isn't cute its child abuse. If you want your baby to have cute tan/skin cancer lines that's okay just DON'T SIT NEAR ME.








• Unsolicited Advice No 2. Don't let your child wander the beach nekkid. Even cashed up Bogans realise that children should be dressed (in inappropriate bathers). Do you read the papers or watch the news ? Disgusting Vile Peeps. The beach is as crowded as my local shops and I have never seen a 3 year old wandering around Target sans clothes... although the beach looks like paradise with its blue water and creamy sand it is not utopia... get some appropriate clothes on your offspring or DON'T SIT NEAR ME.


• Unsolicited Advice No 3. See those poles sticking up out of the sand with the red and yellow flags on them? They are not for decoration, in fact funnily enough they are there to save your life. Make your kids swim between the flags AND make your kids swim between the flags. How hard is it to follow the advice of the trained lifeguards who work on the beach everyday and can read the water conditions so well... going by some of the surf rescues I have seen just a little too hard for some stupid peeps. If you want to become the next beach statistic that is okay just DON'T SIT NEAR ME.



• Unsolicited Advice No 4. Invests in some swimwear. This goes out to all the parents (especially mothers). I have read that women in Oz fear shopping for bathers MORE than getting bitten by a shark. WHAT THE??? Target/Big W/Myer do a fantastic range of reasonable priced modest swimwear for all shapes and sizes... yeah unless you are Heidi, Lara or Elle shopping for bathers is a bit of a drag but wandering the beach and trying to swim in an old t shirt or singlet and shorts is ridiculous. Even if you only go to the beach a few times during the Summer having some nice bathers will make the trip much more pleasant I promise. Also Seafolly do a line of bathers using underwear material (like magic knickers ) especially for Mums who have post baby bods ... they are worth every cent. Also I rarely see children in shirts and shorts trying to swim. Parents are as worthy of children in the purchasing of bathers.(I'm not going to tell you in a shouty voice not to sit near me if you don't buy yourself some bathers ... but please do... aren't these lady and their bathers gorgeous).



• Unsolicited Advice No 5. Be nice to your partner. You are at the beach, the sun is shining the water is warm and the kids are happy as Larry ... give the poor bloke a break. We all get annoyed with our spouses from time to time but yelling and carrying on like a pork chop in a public area is very bad form. I really have no investment in your marriage and could care less if he left the hats/drinks/chips at home just DON'T SIT NEAR ME and berate him ad nausea.



• Unsolicited Advice No 6. Cover up the offensive tattoos. I love a good tat as much as the next girl... but I don't enjoy having my kids see your filthy skin art. Also your "Made in Oz" under the Southern Cross tat use to be patriotic - now its just racist. If you think your tats make clever use of pics of women's boobs and other anatomy ... good for you just JUST DON'T SIT NEAR ME without a shirt on.




• Unsolicited Advice No 7. There is a whole beach to sit on... If you are under 25 and look like this DON'T SIT NEAR TO ME.
  
  
• Unsolicited Advice No 8. If you decided not to take any of my above listed advice that is okay but DON'T SIT NEAR ME.

A Good Friday (Sat,Sun & Mon) was had by all

We had a lunch on Good Friday with Cath and the girls. We also had an Easter Egg Hunt. Here is Lulu in her" getting ready to sprint" pose.

My niece Bec is looking for eggs in the garden.

My niece DJ made out like a bandit

This is what you look like when you retrieve Easter Eggs off the bottom of the pool.

Even the pool croc partook in the chocolate fun.

In the early evening we had a bonfire (that we have been trying to have for 3 months but it has been too wet... that is orange fungi growing on the log of wood).

Bonfires are more interesting than TV to watch.

Incinerating marshmallows... when you are nearly 13 the fun is seeing them catch fire and explode.

Playing charades ...

First word...
The kids love playing charades. If you know any website that has charade lists please let me know because we always have difficulty making up relevant shows/movies/books.

On Saturday we went to the beach. David and the kids surfed and I walked around the spit and then went for a swim with Lulu. It was fantastic weather and the waves were great in the afternoon. The waves were huge in the morning and David and Bear spent most of their time and energy trying to paddle out the back and catch them. I didn't take my camera so you will have to trust me that I looked ace in my bathers...

On Sunday we went up to stay with my MIL and her Hubby. Here are the children smiling so nicely because I wouldn't let them go for the Easter egg hunt Mum had set up until I had a decent shot of them. Bribery is an essential part of my parenting skills set.

This is an action shot of Bear running from egg hiding spot to egg hiding spot.

Mum and David

Me and Mum...we both agreed this was the only pic we were keeping of us... we each used our veto power to delete the ones we didn't like.

Eureka ... Kerching...Jackpot.

Nanna is very clever at hiding the eggs...

No trip to my in laws is complete without beautiful yummy food (my MIL is the best cook evah) and seeing as Mum and Brian are off to Europe for 3 months I ate 3 times as much so I don't miss out too much whilst they are away ;-)